Why do we feel resistance toward improving our communication skills?

Most of the following mechanisms are relevant to almost any kind of behavioral change.

First, working on communication seems complex and difficult. It is not as though we only need to improve one single thing. Communication is an umbrella term that includes many different skills and behaviors we can — and should — work on: the quality of our voice, body language, the quality of our questions, becoming more empathetic, explaining complicated ideas in a simple way, defending our positions clearly, and many others. As a result, we often feel overwhelmed and do not know where to begin. We feel incompetent in many different areas at once.

Second, we fall prey to the so-called sunk cost effect.

The sunk cost effect describes our tendency to continue investing in familiar behaviors simply because we have already invested years into them — even when they are ineffective. In communication, this means that people may unconsciously resist changing the way they speak, argue, explain, react emotionally, or interact socially because their current style has become part of their identity. Admitting that a new communication approach is better may indirectly feel like admitting that years of previous behavior were suboptimal. The more time, ego, and emotional energy we have invested into a certain communication style, the harder it becomes to abandon it.

Third, changing our communication style can feel psychologically “wrong,” even when it is objectively healthier or more effective. A similar phenomenon can be observed in rehabilitation after an ictus (stroke). Patients who have developed a distorted posture may bend forward while standing upright. When physiotherapists correct their posture, patients often panic and feel as though they are falling backward. Their distorted position has become their new subjective sense of equilibrium, while the objectively correct posture feels unnatural and dangerous.

The same mechanism often applies to communication behavior. More adequate ways of speaking, listening, or asserting ourselves may initially feel artificial, exaggerated, arrogant, weak, or emotionally uncomfortable. Because our old communication habits became our “psychological equilibrium,” we instinctively resist the new behavior and attempt to return to the old balance — even if the new behavior is objectively more effective.

Fourth, even when we genuinely improve, the people around us may unconsciously resist acknowledging our change. If we change our communication style, others are forced to revise their impressions of us — and people generally resist changing established social categories. It is psychologically more comfortable to place people into stable roles and assumptions because this gives us predictability and social stability.

As a result, people around us may — often unconsciously — minimize our progress, ignore it, or subtly encourage us to return to our old behavior. Not necessarily out of malice, but because updating their perception of us requires cognitive and emotional adjustment. In a certain sense, stable social identities make relationships feel safer and more manageable. If we constantly had to revise our impressions of others based on their actual growth and improvement, our social environment would feel far less predictable.

Overall, resistance to improving communication skills is not simply laziness or lack of discipline. Much of this resistance emerges from deep psychological mechanisms related to identity, habit, emotional equilibrium, and social stability.

 

---

Want to overcome insecurity and frustration with the foreign language(s) you’ve already started learning? Or maybe you want to learn a new language without going through endless standard course levels — but feel like you’re not making progress?

Grab a copy of my book: “The GO Method – Breaking Barriers to Language Learning” on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/GO-Method-Breaking-barriers-language/dp/1973118688

💡 Free Preview: Get the first two chapters for free by subscribing to my weekly newsletter, packed with tips and resources on communication psychology in international, multicultural, and multilingual contexts.
Click here to subscribe

--

Communication Psychology and HR: in small and practical lessons once a week.

With a focus on international and multilingual business conversations.

Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology and HR. He consults individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Can Conflicts Be Productive?

Image
 We often hear that conflict is inherently negative—but is that always true? Should we avoid conflicts at all costs, or can they be catalysts for innovation, clarity, and growth? In a TED Talk, Margaret Heffernan argues that conflict—particularly when paired with rigorous debate—sharpens thinking and leads to better outcomes. She recounts how epidemiologist Alice Stewart discovered a link between prenatal X-rays and childhood cancer, and was strengthened in her conviction by collaborator George Kneale, who relentlessly tried to disprove her findings—and couldn’t. Types of Workplace Conflict Research categorizes conflicts into three main types: 1.      Personal Conflict This involves interpersonal issues—clashes of personality, style, or emotional friction. It's often linked to hostility, dissatisfaction, and lower group cohesion 2.      Task Conflict This arises from disagreements over the content of tasks—opinions, ideas, goals, ...
Read more

What does good communication really mean?

There are of course lots of definitions of communication. There are lots of definitions of what good communication should be. Let me add one which is probably not very original.  It is inspired by classical economic literature, by the nature of exchanges. I like to see communication like an exchange of goods and services, a voluntary exchange like in barter or in selling and buying. According to classical economic authors, such an exchange occurs if there is a double coincidence of wants, if what I am giving, what I am offering, a good or a service, is for me less valuable than the thing I want to obtain from the other person. And for the other person it's the other way around. The thing they are giving me is less valuable than the good or service I am offering them. Therefore, by definition, after the exchange everybody is better off. If there's no double coincidence of wants then we don't enter into this exchange. We wait for somebody or something else. If we appl...
Read more

What is true self-confidence in communicating with others?

Please answer in the comment section: Is this really a typical German thing? I thought it was typical German behavior. When somebody is presenting, in a class or at a workshop, the first and foremost question everybody seems to be obsessed with is to judge the speaker whether he or she is self-confident or nervous. If people give feedback after a presentation, the first reaction is to say, you made a bit of a nervous impression. I saw your hands were moving too fast, or you were frozen, you were trembling a bit, your voice was a bit insecure, and so on. So that's my personal impression. I would be curious to know your experience. Please write your country also in brackets after your comment. So first, is this really so? And then why is it so? I think it's first probably more or less universal. And it's for me the same thing as when people rate the way you're speaking in a foreign language. Most people give feedback first and foremost on your accent. You have a Germa...
Read more