What does good communication really mean?
There are of course lots of definitions of communication. There are lots of definitions of what good communication should be. Let me add one which is probably not very original.
It is inspired by classical economic literature, by the nature of exchanges. I like to see communication like an exchange of goods and services, a voluntary exchange like in barter or in selling and buying.
According to classical economic authors, such an exchange occurs if there is a double coincidence of wants, if what I am giving, what I am offering, a good or a service, is for me less valuable than the thing I want to obtain from the other person. And for the other person it's the other way around. The thing they are giving me is less valuable than the good or service I am offering them.
Therefore, by definition, after the exchange everybody is better off. If there's no double coincidence of wants then we don't enter into this exchange. We wait for somebody or something else.
If we apply this to communication, what would be the implications?
After such an exchange, after a good communication, everybody should feel better off. And they should feel better off after a longer time, too. So, they should have good memories of communicating with us.
There are lots of manipulation and influence techniques that may push the other person into a certain direction, make her or him do or say certain things. But after some time, there's some kind of remorse, like buyer’s remorse. You feel you have been taken advantage of. So that good feeling dissipates, though, in that moment, due to charisma or good persuasion techniques, the other person felt good about the exchange. But later on, there are doubts arising.
Therefore, it's good to have the general goal that people should remember the interaction positively after a longer time. The ideal thing is that people remember your exchange after many years and when needed, then they will call you.
Now, what are all the other implications?
The exchange should be pleasant and should create a memory trace. It should be memorable, not forgettable. Then, of course, we should offer something of value to the other person. This means we need to study what the other person could benefit from during this exchange. What could I contribute to this exchange? If this is a spontaneous exchange, then we need to calculate or to assess this on the spot. But if it's a planned meeting or you're going to visit somebody, then you can prepare what would be valuable, interesting, funny information for that person.
But what's also important that you shouldn't forget: What can I get out of this situation? And not necessarily in an egotistic manner like ”I want to profit from this person”.
Very often we are in meetings or we are together with people we don't find particularly interesting. We have put some kind of label on them. They are boring. I don't want to speak to them. But if you are in a room with them, you could also make a conscious effort.
How could I learn something from them? How could I give them the chance to share value with me? And if you have this mindset, you will start asking questions that elicit something interesting for them. You give them a chance to be a useful communication partner. It's even better, even more moral, because you give the other person a chance to contribute. And for many people who are considered boring, unattractive, or lacking of anything useful, giving them the chance to contribute, is a very good act.
And I myself am guilty of this too, that I like to put labels on people and say, well, I don't want to meet this relative because we have nothing to talk about. But if I really try, I always find something genuinely interesting for me, too. And then the conversation flourishes and we leave the room, even if we were forced to be in the room, with positive feelings.
What do you think? Leave a comment below.
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Gerhard Ohrband is a communication consultant, psychologist and author of 9 books from Hamburg/Germany. He speaks 11 languages fluently and assists individuals and companies in doing business in foreign languages.
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