What is true self-confidence in communicating with others?

Please answer in the comment section: Is this really a typical German thing? I thought it was typical German behavior. When somebody is presenting, in a class or at a workshop, the first and foremost question everybody seems to be obsessed with is to judge the speaker whether he or she is self-confident or nervous. If people give feedback after a presentation, the first reaction is to say, you made a bit of a nervous impression. I saw your hands were moving too fast, or you were frozen, you were trembling a bit, your voice was a bit insecure, and so on. So that's my personal impression. I would be curious to know your experience. Please write your country also in brackets after your comment.

So first, is this really so? And then why is it so?

I think it's first probably more or less universal. And it's for me the same thing as when people rate the way you're speaking in a foreign language. Most people give feedback first and foremost on your accent. You have a German accent or an American accent here or you feel a bit nervous, you seem to be afraid.

Why is it like this? My interpretation is that it's the easiest thing to judge in a presentation and when somebody is speaking a foreign language. So even if I don't know the other language like Finnish or Hungarian, if there is a German speaking, I probably understand that it sounds, the melody sounds, the accent sounds like German. It's for me easy to criticize my fellow German for speaking Finnish and Hungarian with a German accent. I'm not competent to judge their grammar, vocabulary, style. But I always can give a judgment on accents. And the same, I think, is valid presentations.

I immediately can give a comment on whether this person looks charismatic, insecure, or self-confident. And I have my immediate judgment of this. That's quite easy. It's much more difficult to give constructive feedback on the messaging, on the wording, the style, how did the person structure his or her discourse.

To make such comments, I would potentially expose my own ignorance, like with Finnish or Hungarian. Even if I knew a bit of Finnish and Hungarian, when I started criticizing somebody's accent, there's no risk involved. But if I start correcting their vocabulary and their grammar, I may make a laughing stock of myself, which often happens if you have observed in your native country a situation when somebody makes fun of somebody else's English grammar and then makes mistakes himself or herself.

So what would true self-confidence mean?

Because if we are only focused on giving a self-confident impression, like with accents in foreign languages, then we probably will reduce our options. We will take a risk avoidant approach. We will not experiment in new situations because every new situation has the risk of making mistakes or looking insecure. For me, really self-confident speakers are speakers who don't really care if they look self-confident or not. They use any possible situation to practice new communication styles and topics and techniques.

And for them it's clear that they will not look good in every situation. So it's not that I want to look good. For example, if you are a bit nervous for giving your first television interview, you could decide to remain at home and to choose to give an interview only if it's pre-recorded, pre-rehearsed. So, you don't go at all to a live interview.

But the other person who is also nervous goes there and the audience maybe feels that he or she is a bit nervous.

Who is more self-confident? For me, the second person. For me, self-confidence means that you are ready to talk about new topics with new persons in new situations, notwithstanding that you may look not self-confident. For me, with true self-confidence, you don't need to look good always. But the other person looks more self-confident. The same if you give public speeches. If you memorize something, if you only open your mouth, if you're 100% sure that you will make the perfect impression, people would say, oh, you look more self-confident. But in reality, the other person who exposes herself to the risk of being judged is much more self-confident.

What do you think? Leave a comment below.

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Gerhard Ohrband is a communication consultant, psychologist and author of 9 books from Hamburg/Germany. He speaks 11 languages fluently and assists individuals and companies in doing business in foreign languages.

 

 

 


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