Why We Don’t Say What We Really Want

In everyday communication, one pattern appears again and again: people want something—but they don’t say it directly.

Instead of clearly expressing a request, they hint. They imply. They leave space for interpretation. And then they feel misunderstood when the other person does not respond as hoped.

Why does this happen so often?

The Hidden Logic Behind Indirect Appeals

Two primary forces tend to drive this behavior:

·        Fear of rejection

·        Uncertainty about one’s own desires

At first glance, avoiding a direct request may seem like poor communication. But psychologically, it often makes perfect sense.

A particularly relevant concept here is rejection sensitivity, introduced by Geraldine Downey and her colleagues. Rejection sensitivity refers to a dispositional tendency to anxiously anticipate, readily perceive, and intensely react to possible rejection.

People high in rejection sensitivity continuously scan their social environment for signs that they might be dismissed, ignored, or devalued. For them, making a direct request is risky. A clearly articulated appeal creates the possibility of a clear and unmistakable “no.”

Ambiguity, by contrast, offers psychological protection.

If the request is never fully spoken, it can never be fully rejected.

The Art of Hinting

When individuals anticipate rejection, they often soften their appeal by concealing it. Instead of asking explicitly, they communicate indirectly.

Rather than saying:

“Could you bring me something to eat?”

they might say:

“I’m quite hungry.”
“I haven’t eaten anything today.”

The appeal is no longer explicit—it is implied. The responsibility shifts to the listener to decode the hidden intention.

But here lies the problem.

The listener may interpret the statement through an entirely different lens. Instead of hearing a request, they hear a self-revelation. They respond:

“Yes, you do look hungry.”

From their perspective, they have responded appropriately. From the speaker’s perspective, the essential need has been ignored.

Not every listener will translate indirect cues into action. Some may never think to ask:

“Would you like me to order something for you?”

And now frustration begins to grow—on both sides.

The Escape Route

Indirect communication contains a built-in safety mechanism.

If the listener understands the appeal but rejects it—perhaps even bluntly—the speaker can retreat.

Consider this exchange:

“Do you think it’s my job to bring you food? Am I a food delivery service?!”
“Nobody asked you for that. I was just saying I haven’t eaten yet. Actually, I’m fine. I’m on a new diet…”

In this moment, the speaker withdraws from the original, implicit request. Because nothing was explicitly asked, nothing can be explicitly refused.

The conversation is redirected. Face is saved. But the underlying need remains unresolved.

Why This Pattern Is So Common

Many readers will recognize similar dynamics—especially in interactions with authority figures such as supervisors, teachers, or senior colleagues.

When power differences are involved, the perceived risk of rejection increases. Indirect communication becomes a protective strategy. It allows individuals to test the waters without fully exposing themselves.

Yet this strategy comes at a cost:

·        Needs remain unmet.

·        Misunderstandings multiply.

·        Frustration accumulates silently.

Clear appeals create vulnerability—but they also create clarity.

And clarity is often the beginning of mature professional communication.

The next time you find yourself hinting instead of asking, it may be worth pausing and asking a deeper question: What am I afraid might happen if I say this directly?

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Communication Psychology and HR: in small and practical lessons once a week.

With a focus on international and multilingual business conversations.

Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology and HR. He consults individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.

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