What to Do Against Second Thoughts After a Conversation

We all know what second thoughts feel like. After an important conversation, we start replaying it in our heads. We think about what we could have said better. We regret words that slipped out. We wish we could go back and try again.

Second thoughts are usually a sign of insufficient preparation. I don’t mean that you should have memorized a script beforehand—that would never work in the dynamic reality of real-life conversations.

The real preparation is different: Which members of my Inner Team should I bring into this situation?

Outer Teams First

Before we look at the concept of the Inner Team, let’s consider real teams in the outside world. Imagine the following situations. Wouldn’t you prefer to have an additional team member at your side?

·        A bodyguard, when walking through a dangerous neighborhood

·        An interpreter, when traveling in a foreign country

·        An experienced mechanic, when buying a used car

·        A real estate expert, a lawyer, and a construction specialist, before purchasing a house

·        A tax lawyer, when contacted by the fiscal authorities

Without such support, you’d be much more vulnerable to mistakes, wouldn’t you?

The Inner Team

According to University of Hamburg psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun, we also carry a rich Inner Team within ourselves. This team represents the many parts and roles we have developed throughout our lives.

Notice how you speak differently with your children, your partner, your best friend, the police, or an angry customer. That’s your Inner Team at work. In each situation, different members step to the front of your inner stage, while others retreat to the back.

Imagine you’re giving a presentation and you’ve brought along these three inner team members:

·        The Professor – a profound subject-matter expert

·        The Teacher – a clear and patient explainer

·        The Entertainer – able to spice up dry facts with humor and anecdotes

So far, so good.

Then, someone interrupts you:
“You’re wasting our time. Everyone here already knows this. We expected something more up to date.”

Your three team members scramble for a response. The Professor launches into a lengthy justification. The Teacher adds illustrative examples. The Entertainer cracks a joke that backfires.

What’s missing? The Bodyguard.

The Bodyguard protects the speaker and might reply:

“You’re right—much of what I present reflects state-of-the-art knowledge. Could you briefly summarize the parts you feel are already familiar, so I can focus on highlighting the new aspects I’ve brought?”

This response puts the focus back on the critic, buys time for the other team members, and turns the attack into an opportunity for collaboration.

Homework

1.     Think of three unsatisfactory conversations you had recently. Which Inner Team members were missing?

2.     For an upcoming conversation, ask yourself: Which team members will I need? How can I coordinate them in advance so they can act optimally?

3.     Do any of my Inner Team members need training? Am I missing an important member I should develop within myself?

References

Böckler, A., Bräuer, J., Grosse Holtforth, M., & Ehrenthal, J. C. (2020). Know thy selves: Learning to understand oneself increases the ability to understand others. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.571746 PMC

Hodgdon, H. B., van der Kolk, B., Southwell, K., Hrubec, T., & Schwartz, R. C. (2021). Internal Family Systems Therapy for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Among Survivors of Multiple Childhood Trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 34(3), 652-662. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2021.2013375 Tandfonline+1

Schulz von Thun, F. (1998). Miteinander reden 3: Das Innere Team und situationsgerechte Kommunikation: Kommunikation, Person, Situation. Reinbek bei Hamburg, Germany: Rowohlt. PMC+1

Schwartz, R. C., Sweezy, M. (2019). Internal Family Systems Skills Training Manual: Trauma-Informed Treatment for Anxiety, Depression, PTSD & Self-Esteem. Oakland, CA: Internal Family Systems Institute. IFS Institute

Van der Kolk, B., Hodgdon, H. B., & Schwartz, R. C. (2024). Online Group-Based Internal Family Systems Treatment for PTSD: Feasibility and Acceptability of the Program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 80(8), 1374-1390. PMC

 

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Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology. He coaches individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.

 

 

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