How to Master Your Inner Dialogue

The title may sound a little misleading. What follows might be surprising—even unsettling—for some.

There are different levels of self-awareness.

Many people avoid looking inside altogether. How do I feel? What do I think? Such questions rarely enter their mind. They keep themselves busy, surround themselves with noise, and distract themselves—anything to escape introspection.

The next level of awareness is realizing that there is something inside. At this stage, we begin to notice an “inner dialogue.” We believe there is one solid and constant psychic entity called I. Through meditation and self-reflection, we try to connect with this “I” and discover what it really wants.

But if you continue this practice, something unexpected happens: you begin to notice that there isn’t just one voice inside. There is a whole plurality. Different parts of you speak up, each with its own role and its own messages.

One of the easiest to recognize is the so-called Inner Critic (or Censor). Whenever you try something new, it whispers (or shouts):
“You won’t succeed.”
“This isn’t for you.”
“You’re not good enough.”

A Simple Example

It’s morning. On the boardroom table sits a large bowl of chocolates. Nobody has taken one yet. Should you?

If you tune in, you’ll notice a whole chorus inside:

·        Inner Child: Yum! My favorite! Grab a handful before the others do.

·        Inner Mom: Too much sugar is bad for you. And it’s impolite. What will the others think?

·        Inner Rebel: Sometimes you have to be bold. Take the lead—everyone’s waiting for someone to move first.

·        Health-Conscious Part: They’re probably not vegan. And full of white sugar, of course.

These “voices”—or Inner Team members (a concept introduced by German communication psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun)—start a heated discussion.

And whether you pay attention to them or not, they still consume mental energy. They even leak out into your body language.

Why Does This Matter for Professional Communication?

Because these inner discussions never really stop. They are especially active before, during, and after difficult conversations or important decisions.

If you want to improve your communication with others, you first need to improve the way you communicate with yourself. That means moderating your Inner Team.

This is not easy—especially if you’ve spent years “successfully” avoiding introspection.

Homework

1.     Think of a decision you need to make today—whether minor (chocolate or no chocolate) or major (asking for a raise).

2.     Identify at least four inner team members.

3.     Give them respectful names and let them speak.

4.     Do this exercise on paper.

5.     Write out a fictional “team meeting” with all of them, with you as the team leader. What arguments do they bring? How would you moderate the discussion? And how could you lead them to a good compromise?

Closing Thought

Mastering your inner dialogue doesn’t mean silencing the voices within. It means recognizing them, listening to them respectfully, and then leading them—just as you would lead a team in real life. The better you learn to moderate your inner team, the clearer, calmer, and more authentic your communication with others will become.

References

López-Jiménez, A. M., & Rodríguez-Testal, J. F. (2016). Relationship between inner dialog and ideas of reference and the mediating role of dissociation. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology.  https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12344

Oleś, P. K., & Brinthaupt, T. M. (2020). Types of inner dialogues and functions of self-talk: Comparisons and implications. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00227

Van der Ven, E., & Peled-Avron, L. (2015). Bringing the “self” into focus: Conceptualising the role of self-experience for understanding and working with distressing voices. Frontiers in Psychology, 6, 1129. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01129

Schulz von Thun, F. (2003). Miteinander reden 3: Das innere Team und situationsgerechte Kommunikation. Reinbek bei Hamburg: Rowohlt.

 

---

Want to overcome insecurity and frustration with the foreign language(s) you’ve already started learning? Or maybe you want to learn a new language without going through endless standard course levels — but feel like you’re not making progress?

Grab a copy of my book: “The GO Method – Breaking Barriers to Language Learning” on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/GO-Method-Breaking-barriers-language/dp/1973118688

💡 Free Preview: Get the first two chapters for free by subscribing to my weekly newsletter, packed with tips and resources on communication psychology in international, multicultural, and multilingual contexts.
Click here to subscribe

 

--

Communication Psychology: in small and practical lessons once a week.

With a focus on international and multilingual business conversations.

Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology. He coaches individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why we need to train talking to bad people

Image
We live in a polarized world. Covid, migration, the Ukraine war, gender (and gender pronouns) or climate change: There is an ever-growing list of possibilities for division, for separating between our ingroup and the outgroup, between the good and the bad guys (and girls). Many of us simply refuse to speak to people with other opinions. We often hear this as an advice. You shouldn’t/cannot speak with evil people. Well, this is actually a very dangerous advice. The more we retreat from engaging in dialogue with people with other opinions and positions, the more vulnerable we become as communicators. This is one explanation why populist politicians are becoming so successful worldwide. Many establishment politicians have been living in a conversational bubble for years. They have been asked predictable and softball questions by more or less friendly journalists and colleagues. They have tried to build firewalls against their opponents. In short, they have relaxed the conversa...
Read more

10 situations you should practice in your language courses

Image
If you are familiar with contemporary language education, you will understand that practicing conversation during lessons is a key element for success. For previous generations, this was not the norm. Also due to classroom size and unprepared or insecure teachers, foreign language instruction relied heavily on pen and paper exercises. The result: excellent grades did not equal being able to talk freely. The next level is assessing how communication should be practiced. For many language learners, communication is just one homogenous block of activity. There are, however, considerable differences between ·         Preparing at home vs. reacting spontaneously ·         Talking to the teacher vs. communicating in small groups with other students ·         Focusing on playing it safe vs. experimenting with new ways of saying things ·      ...
Read more

Reversibility as a sign of respect

Image
We all are told to respect our colleagues, our partners, our clients. However, how can we measure the degree to which we respect somebody else? Well, in our conversations, here is one simple test: How reversible do you communicate? In this context, reversibility means: To what degree would I accept the person to communicate with me in the same manner that I myself communicate? If I address the other person informally, would I accept to be addressed that way? If I ask questions about the other’s family, would I accept similar questions? If I offer unsolicited feedback, would I myself accept it? The problem is, of course: We often communicate in hierarchical situations. And, in some cultures, respecting hierarchies is a greater value than in others. Nonetheless, even if there is a power-distance between superior and employee, between teacher and student, you can always strive for maximum reversibility. What do you think? Leave a comment below. -- Want to get rid...
Read more