How to See the Good in the Bad While Talking to a Difficult Person

Most of us know at least one difficult person at work. The typical team reaction is: we need to fix that person—and if that’s impossible, we need to get rid of them.

However, just as in families with “difficult children,” the so-called difficult person is often not the root problem but rather the symptom of something deeper. They may be the “weakest link” in the system and therefore the one most likely to manifest behavioral or psychological struggles.

Family systems therapy offers a valuable perspective here. Developed by Murray Bowen, it views the family as an emotional unit, emphasizing the interconnectedness of its members. According to this approach, individual behaviors often reflect broader relational patterns within the system. By understanding those patterns, one can address the root causes of difficulties instead of focusing only on the “problematic” individual.

Work teams are no different. Yes, there may be one colleague manifesting the symptoms, but the question worth asking is: What underlying, unresolved issues within the team might be contributing to this dynamic?

Of course, it is not always easy to act according to Biblical principles. Yet Jesus’ reminder remains powerful: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3).

So, what can you actually do in a conversation with a difficult person?

Imagine a colleague who shoots down every proposal with negativity:
“We’ve tried this before. It won’t work. It’s too expensive.”

To you, this person feels relentlessly pessimistic. But from their perspective, they are simply being “realistically skeptical” or prudent.

From their side, you might look like a reckless risk-taker, while you see yourself as “open-minded” and “entrepreneurial.”

This reveals an important truth: most people perceive themselves as taking a virtuous position, while others see only the exaggerated, negative version of that same virtue.

In every team, there is a natural tension between opposing virtues—prudence versus openness, stability versus innovation, caution versus boldness. This tension is not only unavoidable but necessary. Without it, the group drifts into extremes.

A practical first step

The first helpful step in dealing with a difficult person is to look for the virtue hidden within their difficult behavior. Once you identify it, you can validate that virtue directly—while also acknowledging that they may perceive you in exaggerated terms.

For example, you might say:
“I appreciate the fact that you take a prudent position and put my proposal through a thorough test. I can also imagine that, from your perspective, my ideas may seem unnecessarily reckless. Let’s try to figure this out together.”

This simple shift—from labeling someone as negative to recognizing their underlying virtue—often goes a long way toward de-escalating conflict. Sometimes, merely acknowledging another person’s good intention can soften tensions and open the door to genuine collaboration.

 

References

Baege, M. (2018). Bowen family systems theory. Vermont Center for Family Studies. Retrieved from https://vermontcenterforfamilystudies.org/about/bowen-family-systems-theory/

Brown, J., & Errington, L. (2024). Bowen family systems theory and practice: Illustration and critique revisited. ResearchGate. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Jenny-Brown-2/publication/381014808_Bowen_family_systems_theory_and_practice_Illustration_and_critique_revisited/links/66829e8e0a25e27fbc1a1f34/Bowen-family-systems-theory-and-practice-Illustration-and-critique-revisited.pdf

Schulz von Thun, F. (1989). Das Werte- und Entwicklungsquadrat. Schulz von Thun Institut. Retrieved from https://www.schulz-von-thun.de/die-modelle/das-werte-und-entwicklungsquadrat

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. (n.d.). Introduction to Bowen theory. Retrieved from https://www.thebowencenter.org/introduction-eight-concepts

Verywell Mind. (2022, January 10). What is family systems therapy?. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/family-systems-therapy-definition-techniques-and-efficacy-5213785

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Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology. He coaches individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.

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