How to Handle Toxic People at Work

 

This is a question I receive at almost all my public speaking events and seminars: How do we deal with toxic individuals at work?

My answer may not always sound very sensitive at first, so please be patient with me.

Nowadays, the word “toxic” has become an umbrella term for many different phenomena. We are often very quick to label other people as toxic or even narcissists before carefully analyzing the situation. So before we discuss what to do about toxic people, it is worth asking a few uncomfortable questions.

First, the situation itself may be more complex than it appears. If the difficult person is a customer, for example, we often have no idea what circumstances they are facing. Someone who is under pressure, in panic, or dealing with a serious problem may show verbal aggression or behave unpleasantly. In such cases, I would hesitate to call that person a toxic person. It may simply be a moment of stress.

Second, it can happen that the other person confronts us with something about ourselves that we do not like. Labeling the other person as toxic may then become a defense mechanism. It is therefore worth asking ourselves honestly whether there might be at least a small grain of truth in what they say.

The third question is perhaps the most uncomfortable one. Even if someone consistently behaves toxically toward us, have we done something that unintentionally facilitates this behavior? This is not easy to admit. But from my own experience, when I analyzed difficult situations afterwards, I sometimes realized that even with people I considered very toxic, I had contributed to the dynamic. For example, I did not set clear boundaries early enough. I did not communicate what was acceptable to me and what was not.

Interestingly, the same people whom I perceived as very toxic often interacted quite normally with others. Truly toxic behavior in every situation is rare. This means that sometimes we may, unintentionally, give someone implicit permission to treat us in a certain way. This does not mean we provoke them, that we are guilty, or that we cause their behavior. But it may mean that we make it easier for them to behave this way with us.

Now, what should we do when someone is consistently toxic in a work environment?

Of course, the situation needs to be addressed. The real question is how to address it. Before escalating the issue—perhaps involving HR or taking formal steps—it is wise to rule out other explanations.

It may sound surprising, but some people genuinely do not realize how their behavior is perceived. What seems clearly toxic to us may feel normal to them because it reflects the communication style they grew up with.

A first step, therefore, is often a respectful conversation. Give specific feedback about the concrete behavior: explain that certain words or actions feel offensive or uncomfortable to you. At the same time, give the other person a chance to clarify their intentions. Ask questions such as: “What did you mean by that?”

Always begin by giving the other person a way out and an opportunity to explain themselves. The goal is not to fight over who is right and who is wrong, but to build understanding. Sometimes the other person may be under significant pressure, frustrated, or dealing with personal problems. In such cases, they might actually need support rather than confrontation.

In other words, before labeling someone as toxic, it is worth gathering as much information as possible and approaching the situation with curiosity and respect. Only when this approach does not work should we move toward more direct confrontation.

How to do that effectively is something we can discuss another time.

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Communication Psychology and HR: in small and practical lessons once a week.

With a focus on international and multilingual business conversations.

Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology and HR. He consults individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.

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