Listening to the Person Behind the Words: The Self-Revelation Dimension in Communication

 When we communicate, much of what we hear goes beyond words and facts. The way someone speaks, the nuances in their tone, and the subtleties of what they leave unsaid all convey personal information. This is the self-revelation dimension of communication—listening not just to what is said, but to who is speaking.

Activating the self-revelation ear involves attending to the personal information implicitly conveyed in a message. It prompts questions such as:

·        What background or experiences shape this person’s perspective?

·        What emotions are present?

·        What is implied but not explicitly stated?

At this level, the focus shifts from factual content or argumentative structure to the speaker as a person. Two fundamental listening modes can be distinguished: diagnostic and empathetic.

In diagnostic listening, the guiding question is:
"What is wrong with this person?"

In empathetic listening, the orientation shifts to:
"How can I understand this person’s perspective and establish constructive rapport?"

A substantial portion of performance anxiety—in public speaking, job interviews, exams, and other evaluative settings—stems from the expectation that others are listening primarily in diagnostic mode. Individuals anticipate scrutiny, skepticism, and at times even latent hostility.

This anxiety is often amplified by cognitive biases. People tend to overestimate the extent to which others notice minor details such as clothing, phrasing, or gestures. In reality, observers are usually less attentive than assumed. Nevertheless, some evaluation is inherent in most social interactions; acknowledging this reflects realism rather than paranoia.

A listener’s orientation typically becomes perceptible in interaction. Whether someone listens diagnostically or empathetically is rarely neutral in its effect. Speakers often sense the difference, and this perception significantly shapes the course of the exchange.

When speakers perceive the listener as diagnostic, they may feel threatened, irritated, or diminished—and adjust their behavior accordingly. Responses vary: some withdraw or try to end the exchange prematurely, while others stay engaged but become guarded and less forthcoming.

For this reason, deliberately activating empathetic listening when the situation requires it is essential. Many individuals, however, are habituated to diagnostic listening—even in contexts where it is counterproductive. Certain professional roles reinforce this tendency. Prosecutors, physicians, psychologists, and HR professionals involved in recruitment must assess, categorize, and evaluate. Over time, this evaluative orientation may spill over into other interactions. Similarly, people who are frequently approached for approval or selection—highly visible or socially sought-after individuals—may develop a default diagnostic listening mode.

In my work over more than two decades as a language instructor, I have repeatedly observed this pattern. HR professionals, for example, often approach unfamiliar teaching methods with pronounced skepticism. My methods—partly inspired by training approaches used for U.S. diplomats learning foreign languages—departed from conventional classroom expectations. When faced with novelty, participants implicitly confronted a choice in listening orientation:

·        This is unfamiliar. That warrants suspicion. I will identify what is flawed. (Diagnostic listening)

·        This is unfamiliar. That warrants curiosity. I will identify what can be learned. (Empathetic listening)

This does not make diagnostic listening inappropriate. In most communication contexts, the decisive criterion is situational appropriateness. Examples include:

·        A bank employee evaluating a client’s creditworthiness

·        A physician triaging patients in an emergency department

The central issue is not whether one listening mode is inherently superior to the other. Both are necessary components of a well-developed communicative repertoire. Each can be refined—or neglected—and both are susceptible to misjudgment and misinterpretation.

The key competence lies in accurately assessing situational demands and selecting the appropriate listening orientation in real time. Because conversations are dynamic and unpredictable, this may require repeated shifts—sometimes within minutes—between listening modes and among different communicative “ears.”

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Communication Psychology and HR: in small and practical lessons once a week.

With a focus on international and multilingual business conversations.

Gerhard Ohrband is a psychologist from Hamburg/Germany, specialized in Communication Psychology and HR. He consults individuals and companies worldwide (in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian and Russian) on how to avoid costly misunderstandings and handle conflicts with employees and clients.