The Unscripted Challenge: Why Difficult Conversations Feel Harder Than Public Speaking

Have you ever woken up feeling the urgent need to work on your communication skills? Probably not. But have you ever felt the need to improve a significant relationship—whether at home or at work? Chances are, that need pops up at least once a month.

Interestingly, these two needs—better communication and better relationships—are deeply linked. The quality of our relationships mirrors the quality of our communication, and vice versa.

When we think of honing communication skills, most of us immediately picture public speaking training. And yes, public speaking is notoriously feared. But paradoxically, it's often easier than the unscripted interactions we navigate daily. Here's why:

·        Public speaking offers predictability.

·        You can rehearse what you’ll say.

·        The roles are clearly defined: for that time slot, the stage is yours.

·        You can even interview audience members before the event to understand their needs, concerns, or questions.

Conversely, everyday conversation—even simple small talk—is dynamic and unpredictable:

·        It can veer off in countless directions.

·        Roles aren’t fixed, and expectations can shift in an instant.

·        Responses aren’t timed or agreed upon in advance.

·        This makes spontaneous conversation both rich with potential—and riddled with pitfalls.

Consider sales as a tangible example. The time it takes to close a deal varies widely between salespeople. The same holds true for resolving conflicts or coaching employees—conversation pace and structure significantly influence outcomes.

A Little Homework

Don’t underestimate those seemingly insignificant interactions—they’re where much of real communication happens.

After any “insignificant” conversation, pause and reflect:

·        List potential outcomes—both positive and negative—that could have stemmed from that conversation.

·        Ask what could have triggered each outcome.

Recognize how many potential disasters you may have dodged (give yourself credit!), and how many opportunities you might have missed—then aim to explore them next time.

Public speaking may feel daunting, but at least it's scripted and rehearsable. Real-world, unscripted conversations are alive with unpredictability. Yet it's precisely this dynamic nature that makes them so vital—and ripe with possibility.

 

References

Afifi, W. A., & Weiner, J. L. (2004). Toward a theory of motivated information management. Communication Theory, 14(2), 167–190. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2885.2004.tb00310.x

Kaneko, A. (2024). Communication apprehension in the workplace: The role of position and facilitation skills. Business and Professional Communication Quarterly. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/23294906241295696

Lillie, T., Venetis, M. K., & Chernichky-Karcher, S. (2023). Resilience communication mitigates the negative relational effects of topic avoidance: Evidence from parental caregiving and COVID-19 pandemic contexts. Personal Relationships, 30(4), 1252–1273. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12508

McCroskey, J. C., Beatty, M. J., Kearney, P., & Plax, T. G. (1985). The content validity of the PRCA-24 as a measure of communication apprehension across communication contexts. Communication Quarterly, 33(3), 165–173. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463378509369595


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